Posted by: kerryalina | 22 April 2012

Challenge Class 59: Complacency

With only one class left in my challenge (wait, WHAT?  When did that happen???), my biggest enemy right now is complacency.  I mean, I’ve basically finished, right?  I’ve certainly finished my “real” challenge… and it’s not like this ten week continuation really counts for anything.  So there’s no real reason to fret.  In fact, there’s no real reason to even go to class.  I know I could do it, which is the important thing.  I’ve essentially achieved what I wanted to.  So why bother actually going through with it?  I might as well just stay home and watch Buffy.

Clearly, this line of thinking is insane.  If there’s no real reason to go to class, there’s definitely no real reason not to.  And if I’ve got this far, why stop when there’s only one class left?

I think it’s another form of self-sabotage.  It’s like I have such a deep-seated belief in my own propensity to give up and identify so strongly as someone who’s not “fit” that actually completing this challenge will shatter my self-image as it currently exists.  And it appears that my psyche isn’t a huge fan of such huge reinventions – it’s happy to stay safely in the now, where it knows exactly how I will react to things and precisely what I’m capable of.  The net result is that it’s frantically trying to restore things to their former status quo, even as I’m striving towards something bigger and better.

It’s similar to what happens every single day in class.  I could always go further.  Always.  But invariably there’s something holding me back.  I don’t think I’m “ready” to kick out in Standing Head to Knee… even though my standing leg has been locked for months.  When I start to wobble in Balancing Stick, I choose to give up and fall out even though I know how to contract my core muscles and restore stability.  Although I’m more than capable of touching my forehead to the ground in Standing Leg Stretching, I just hang out upside down instead because I tell myself I need a “rest” before Triangle.  So many excuses, all because my brain doesn’t like to accept that I have changed and grown.  All because it was just so important that I could identify as weak and pitiful – how else could I explain all the things that have happened throughout my life and justify my responses (or lack thereof)?

But as this challenge has proved, I am capable of so much more than I believe – inside the hot room and outside of it.  Now I just have to acknowledge that proof and actually start believing it.

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Responses

  1. this is great – the biggest obstacle to growth is realizing that sometimes we stand in our own way! once we know that, anything is possible. <3

  2. […] back, kerryalina at Bikram Butterflies finished a challenge she had set for herself and wrote this post about it.  In it, she […]


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