Posted by: kerryalina | 1 March 2013

Yes… And Then What?

I rejoined my local Bikram studio right before Christmas.  It nearly didn’t happen.  After so many months off, I was very close to just giving yoga up as a lost cause.  Maybe it just wasn’t for me.  I was so tired.  I was unfit.  I was in pain from my hips and scared of triggering more heart palpitations.  My practice would have gone backwards.  I wouldn’t be able to DO anything.  It was going to HURT.

In the end, the only way I convinced myself was to follow through on each and every one of those thoughts.  Rather than bemoaning the fact that I was too tired to go to class, I tried to figure out why that would prevent me from attending.

“I can’t go, I’m too tired!” 
Yes… and then what?
“Well, I’ll go to class!  And I’ll be tired!” 
Yes.  And if you go straight home, you’ll be tired.  Being tired is a constant because you didn’t get enough sleep last night.
“But I’m soooooo sleepy.  I’ll probably fall asleep on the mat!”

…I highly doubt that.  And if it does happen, I’m pretty sure the teacher would understand.”
“But…
I’m too tired to do yoga well.  I’ll be… I’ll be bad at it.”

In the end, that was what everything boiled down to.  Unfit?  I couldn’t possibly make it through the series without sitting down.  In pain?  I’d have to back off postures if I noticed them damaging my body.  Practice has deteriorated?  But I’m so used to getting compliments on Balancing Stick!  Sore muscles?  I wouldn’t be able to reach my feet in Stretching Pose!

Um.  Please.  I’ve done a 60 day challenge.  I’ve done classes where I bent forward but could only wave at my toes from afar.  The only thing stopping me from going to class was this stupid fear that I would be bad at it.

And you know what?  I’ve already had incredibly awful classes in the past; days where I felt like I got hit by the yoga bus.  I’ve had classes where it was all I could do not to run screaming from the room after the first posture.  I’ve had a class where I basically DID run screaming from the room.  And I still went.  If there’s one thing that Bikram’s taught me, it’s how to absolutely suck at something and still own that shit.  

So I went.  And I sucked SO BAD and I did it with a smile.  Because after the previous three months of diligently practising my physio exercises, watching in tears as my hips slowly deteriorated from occasional twinges to constant pain, the hot room was a revelation.  Three classes in one week and the pain was gone.  Completely.  Without a trace.

Oh, Bikram.  I’m sorry I ever doubted you.

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Responses

  1. Yay for yoga! I’m happy you’re practicing again. I’m also glad you’re blogging again! I’ve missed reading your posts!

    • And I’ve missed writing them! I’m not sure how often I’ll be able to post, since I’m at a new studio and by the time I get home from class it’s near 9pm :\ But I’ll be doing my best to stay in contact with all you lovely people as much as possible!

    • Also, I must tell… I was chatting to one of my workmates last year about your blog and the idea behind it. She was about to turn 30 and it prompted her to make a list of 30 things she wants to do before her next birthday! She’s four months in and almost halfway through the list already. The Bliss Project – inspiring people around the world :)

      • Wow! That’s so cool! I love how blogging does things like this! I’ve been neglecting my list a little lately, so this is a good reminder to get back to it!

        Also, I know what you mean about getting home late and being too tired to blog. Sometimes, I have a post in my head, but I have a major case of yoga brain and I can’t write anything that makes sense!

  2. Yeah for you! I have been away from my Bikram studio for only 3 weeks due to bring sick. I has some fears going in to and ended up choosing the hottest damn part of the room and sitting down a couple times. But I am so glad I did!!

    • Ignore those typos. Darn phone! :)

    • I’ve actually made a point now of setting up in a hot part of the room! I realised that last year I’d gotten incredibly dependant on this one cool-ish spot by the door. If I ended up anywhere else, I’d get really anxious because obviously class was going to suck.

      So when I came back after such a huge break, I decided that since it was going to be painful WHEREVER I was, I might as well suck it up and get used to the heat! I’ve had a few tough classes, but I think it’s definitely helped get out of that position-dependant mindset :)

  3. I swear, when I saw your post pop up on my phone (via email), I actually said out loud “Well, thank GAWD.”

    I’m so glad to have you back.

    xoxoxo

    • Honey, you just made my day :) I’m catching up on all your trials and tribulations – you poor thing!! Sounds like you’ve been having a rough time :(

  4. The instructors at my studio always say, “If you want to nap for 90 minutes, that’s fine. At least you came in!” Besides, most of us suck. It’s yoga practice, not yoga perfect, right?
    Good on you for being tougher than you think you are!


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